What does it feel to lose someone you love?
Saturday - our lives as usual
Sunday - found out that Brownie's left legs (front and hind legs) give out on him. He could attempt to walk but would fall down. Initially we thought that his legs are still asleep. The symptoms continued throughout the day but he could always get back up after a few seconds.
Monday - Brownie could not get out of his bed. We brought breakfast to him on the garage floor and fed him water. We now realized that this could be something big. It could be a stroke and that he is paralyzed on the left side of his body. Called the vet and the vet thinks it could be serious. I don't konw what to do to 'be prepared' in this case. Be prepared to let him go? wihle he is still very aware of his surroundings and still shows a big appetite? This is not a sick dog and how can I be prepared to let him go? He is my baby....
Left work in the middle fo the day to go check on Brownie. I appreciate all the people that I work with - they are all very supportive. I got home, opened the garage door, and saw Brownie in the same spot as I left him this morning. I broke down while still in the car.
My brother and Erik both got home by lunch time to be with Brownie. Brownie is still such a young dog... but what kind of life is he going to have if he could not eat, drink, or go to the bathroom by himself? We put him on a blanket and dragged him to the yard, hoping that he would go to the bathroom but he did not. We fed him more treats and water. He appeared both scared and happy. I had never seen him trembling like this - poor thing, he just did not know why he could not get around.
2pm - went to the vet, Brownie was really scared... with all of his might, he used his right front paw to hang on to my car seat - as much as he could. I wonder if he thought we were giving up on him right then and there? He did not like going to the vet this time - his body was shaking due to fear. He could not move, could not fight back, yet his eyes, full of life. Couldn't help the tears streaming down my face while we heard that the vet thinks it is neurological and will give it a shot with cortisone (but with less than 50% of success rate). They need to observe him for a couple of days. Is this the end for him? But if this is the last two days of his life, do I want him to be here at the vet without us? I was torn.... but we decided to give it a shot - this is probably our only chance.
Rest of Mondahy was hell for me - food was tasteless and mood was gloomy. My eyes were tired of crying... they were sore and it breaks my heart to think what could Brownie be thinking of this hour without us. I only wish he could understand that we want him well (because the other option - oh,,,, it is unthinkable...) I woke up around 1:30 in the morning - couldn't get Brownie's eyes out of my mind.... I just can't do it - I just can't look into his eyes and have him put down. He is too good of a dog and everything else about him is functioning perfectly. What lays ahead? What would I find out in the morning from the vet? I hope it is good news....
Tuesday 9:30am - we heard the good news... improvement!!! Far from perfect, but much better from his condition yesterday. Went to visit him at lunch... we saw that he could stand - which was fantastic!! Can't wait for him to get even better!! He has great spirit and oh we love him soo much!
So what does it feel like to lose someone you love? luckily - I don't have to find out just yet and let's keep it that way.
posted by Cathy @ 2:57 PM
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